How far is it to Biloxi? 'Pert near' 100 miles

Last week me and my buddy Buster, a good friend and a great Southerner, were talking about just how to communicate with the thousands of new folks that are moving to the Southland. We discovered that there are a few expressions that only a Southerner knows and we just can't seem to get others to understand.

There are big differences between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and if you don't understand the difference, it is certain that you won't understand the explanation either.

We know "pretty much how many fish make up a mess," and it ain't either standard or metrical. We know what a "cattywumpus" is and don't want to explain it to you; it's pretty much whatever we want it to be.

When we say "gimmie some sugar," we don't want you to pass the white stuff on the table, we want you to give us a little sweet kiss on the cheek, that is if you are of age and such.

When "somebody's fixin to do something," that means right directly, understand? Don't ask us what "Well, I Suwanee" means, cause we don't know ourselves. We don't know what "Lawwww" means either when our Aunt Lilly yells it out!

There are some things that are just handed down that we say that have no meaning whatsoever. Like when you say "You Bet." That means nothing to us, cause we don't bet a lot and you never say "I Bet," so it's stupid.

We know a good dog don't necessarily come with a pedigree, and is worth his weight in gold. Cats on the other hand, are living proof that not everything in nature has a purpose.

We know when "by and by" is, and you'll just have to learn that one in time. The difference in "pert near" and "a right far piece" is one hundred miles in any direction.

There are differences between redneck, a good ole' boy and trailer trash, and if you make a mistake with one, you could get a public "butt whipping" when you least expect it.

If you ever go snipe hunting twice, move back to where you belong; you will lower the gene pool of then entire South.

When we say "Rockin Char," that is a Rock-ing Chair to you. We like Rockin Chars, they are a guaranteed stress relief, and we know that a Rockin Char with an elderly person sitting in it is a history lesson waiting to happen.

So when you are trying to learn the language, just understand that there are some things that we just can't explain, and if you ask us to, we will walk away.

Not because we can't explain it, but because we just don't want to, and we know that you'll understand by and by.

Just thought you'd like to know...

Editor's note: This column previously appeared in Gulf Breeze News on May 25, 2006