CRITIC'S CORNER
Spider-Man 3 falls flat
By DNA Smith

Tobey Maguire plays Spider- Man and Peter Parker for the third installment of Spidey films. In Spider-Man 3, Parker is overcome by a mysterious black goo from outer space that inhabits his wall-crawler costume. Spider-Man also battles super villains Sandman (Thomas Haden Church) and Venom (Topher Grace).

"Spider-Man 3"
Running time: 140 minutes
MPAA rating: PG-13

By the time you read this, "Spider-Man 3" will have made so much money, it would be enough for Angelina Jolie to adopt three-fourths of Africa. Which means, even though I say this movie is sloppily written, woodenly acted and a colossal waste of time, it won't matter. If you wanted to see the movie, you already have; and if you have no intentions of seeing the movie, well ... you wouldn't be reading a review of it, right?

So, how do I review a "critic proof" film? Same as I always do: By callin' 'em as I sees 'em.

There's a scene near the beginning of the picture where escaped convict Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) transforms in to the shapeshifting villain, Sandman. At first all we see is a pile of sand. And slowly, painfully it wills itself into becoming a man. It is one of the most poetic and beautiful scenes I've witnessed in the past year, and a great piece of acting.

Problem is, it was entirely computer-generated. The best acting in the movie was manufactured by a team of computer nerds - not performed by an actor. What does that tell you about the movie?

None of the lead actors in "Spider-Man 3" give noteworthy performances. In fact, some of them - Kirsten Dunst in particular - are just painfully annoying to watch.

Tobey Maguire (Peter Parker/Spider-Man) isn't much better. When he isn't doing that googly-eye Froggy Face expression, he's crying like a whipped Girl Scout. When his character becomes possessed by the Alien Black Suit, he's supposed to become a Bad Boy. For Toby, that means wearing too much mascara and combing his hair down. I'm paying 10 bucks to see Spider-Man, not Emo Boy, for cryin' out loud.

The script is also a mess. It's like director/co-writer Sam Raimi didn't know whether he was making a comic book movie or a Bgrade chick flick. The film jerks back and forth between mostly-computer-generated action sequences and overwrought, teary-eyed soap opera-esque melodrama. Everyone in the movie cries at some point. And what's worse is that the soap opera stuff is two-thirds of the movie.

And the less said about the musical and dancing sequences (and there are quite a few) the better.

I honestly can't recommend "Spider-Man 3." If you MUST see it (and you haven't already), wait for it to hit the dollar movies or rent the DVD. For a film that cost Sony a reported $500 million to release, we should expect a lotta bang for our buck. "Spider-Man 3" just fizzles.

GRADE: CGULF